What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 02:35
When she asked me how she looked .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Which country do you recommend for me to live in, England, the USA, Italy, Spanish, or Austria?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It was going to be , some day.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She found it foreign!.
Would this be the day?
What are some good Caribbean islands to travel to with friends or family? Why?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
How were cows used in ancient India?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
What did i know ?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why am I so unproductive when it's a holiday the next day?
I write beautiful poetry .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Im still living with it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I will be 64.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I don,t even have a pension.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But it wasn’t much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I waited trembling.
Put me off passion for life!!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Comes on , in middle age.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Who then, do I blame.?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As i do to all so called friends.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I think the readers, may guess!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
So whats the point in blame.
I was 9 years of age.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was seconnd youngest,
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I said to her
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My life is so biszare .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He knew the spot.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My family never makes their pension either.
I was very sick at this time too.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Ive learnt so much.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She loved him until the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But, we were locked up after school.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We all went to grammer schools
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She wouldn,t have been !
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Especially a lifetime of it.
All the time i was locked up.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is soul school!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
And i lived it daily.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She married twice! .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
One cannot live in the past .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She was in good health!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
We were not on the streets..
I have no regrets .